How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The struggles of a small town man whore
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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