I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
bring money and cleavage
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
