I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
