she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
