party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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