The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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