I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
