I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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