You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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