I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
pop tarts are not kleenex
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
