Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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