I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
