Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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