Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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