So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
