I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
How naked do you want me to be?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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