god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
