you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Let's get the cat blown out
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
