So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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