i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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