I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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