Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
