Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just gift wrapped bread.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
