Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
