We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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