Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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