Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
