Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
