the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
