It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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