i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
