All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize