even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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