My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
