24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
