I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
