i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
