Your face is a jimmy john
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
