Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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