i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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