Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
