So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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