My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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