DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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