Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
