Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
