You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
