How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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