it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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