Just fell off a train. Bad.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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