to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
