Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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