Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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