Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I just went to clothing optional bar
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
you never un-have a 4some
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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