Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
