Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
