I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize