if you like me you must not know who I am
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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