Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
