Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
