I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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