I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
