Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
