my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
