thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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