Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
