Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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